Today someone has come by my blog by typing "baking substitution lisy" into google.

They were looking for an alternative to me to put into their cake?

Huh.

"Four and twenty Lisy's baked in a pie..."

It just doesn't have the right ring about it. Does it?

And can you imagine when the pie was opened and the Lisy's began to sing? There'd be some wincing in terror I tell you. It'd sound worse than those two cats shagging.

On Saturday night, heading back to my car having returned my trolley to the little trolley park bit in the supermarket car park, I passed the door to the store. There was a man outside screaming at the manager about the fact that his bag had just been stolen in the car park. I actually heard him say:

"It's on your watch! Doesn't look good, does it?"

And I thought I watched too much TV. I don't feel so tragic about using Buffy quotes about Apolcalypses (thank you to Joy for pointing out in my last post the correct plural of "Apocalypse") in my blog to fill some space.

On the subject of screaming and TV, I haven't heard porn coming through my ceiling for a week or so. I think my upstairs neighbour might have gone on holiday. At least, I hope the noise of something big and heavy being dragged down the stairs at 3:10am last Wednesday morning was a suitcase. Either that, or, I think he was disposing of a corpse. Hmmm...

Last week was not a good week for being woken up during the night at 10 past hours which are a multiple of three. The following morning I was woken up at 6:10am by two cats having obscenely noisy sex, right outside my bedroom window.

At first, I thought they were fighting, and just smothered myself with my pillow in an attempt to block out the noise.

Until I heard one of them crying, and figured I'd better pull back the curtains and have a nosey incase it was injured. I was greeted by the most comical sight...

There were two cats sitting next two each other, and it was so obviously post-coital and not post brutality. I'm surprised the ginger one wasn't smoking a cigarette. The black one was crying, and you could almost see the ginger one rolling his eyes at the black one for getting so over emotional. In the end, he decided he'd had enough and walked off.

Immediately the black one stopped crying (attention seeking, much?), cleaned herself off, and then wandered off in the opposite direction.

Though it was kinda funny, I was Not Impressed about being woken up that early. When I finally get around to getting a cat, the first thing I shall do is make sure his bollocks have been detached.

Yes.

I tried talking to God, but he ignored me. OK, show of hands... how many Ellen DeGeneres fans clicked on that link and the first question they asked was "Why are there fleas?" I bet she wouldn't have phoned him if that website had existed when she wrote that routine.

I think I made him paranoid when I told him that I knew that "The anonymous 'they'" are in fact wheelchair repairers.

On the subject of wheelchair repairers and God... a sure sign that the apocalypse is coming (as if tsunamis, hurricanes, floods and Boy Bands weren't indicative enough)...

On Tuesday I had wheelchair repairers booked to come and change my tyres, seeing as they'd become so deformed that my chair was no longer going in a straight line.

What happened? They actually showed up. On the day they were booked to. Between the hours they were supposed to show up. Not only did they appear, but, they brought the correct tyres for my chair *and* they've been fitted correctly.

See? The world is doomed.

I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

My thumb has been very sore for the last two or three days now.

There's one thing about it that I can't help but notice:

It doesn't stick out.

Does this make me "special"?

Edit: Alright, pedants... yes my thumb sticks out to the side of my hand in that way that thumbs do. How's this then:

My sore thumb doesn't stick out any more than my non-sore thumb.

Better?

Ha ha! Evil god of bathroom lightbulbs. I have thwarted your plans.

Ner ner ner ner ner.

The god of bathroom lightbulbs has hated me for a few years now. I'm assuming it's a god, and not a goddess because of the meanness. What would a goddess of bathroom lightbulbs have against me? It's not like I slept with her girlfriend or something.

Unless, maybe I did? Being incorporeal, but having the power to watch over everyone all the time, gods and goddess must start to fantasise about certain people they're looking down on. Perhaps the goddess of bathroom lightbulbs had built up this whole fantasy relationship in her head about someone who, in a moment of temporary insanity, decided I'd be a suitable bedfellow?

That would explain a lot.

Especially if she's doubling up roles and is the goddess of bathroom lightbulbs and shower drains. Though, I've already dealt with the shower drainage issues. Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole unblocker. That stuff can destroy months of planning on behalf of evil shower drain gods/godesses in one gloop.

The shower drain god/godess has still tried bloody hard though. One day while I was at uni a friend came to stay with me for a few days. We both decided it'd be a really sensible idea to dye each others hair for a fun way to pass a Saturday night. By the time we were done, there weren't no water going down my shower drain. At all. My bathroom was officially flooded. It looked like Hurricane Lisy had hit.

I dragged my friend to my local Sainsbury's. There was a gap on the shelf where Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole Unblocker should've been sitting. The god of shower drainage had been busy that weekend in the Uxbridge area apparently. That, or, he saw me coming. So, I dragged my friend to Tesco's. Again with the empty shelf space. Dammit. This god had planned good. I forced my friend back into my car and dragged him to Sainsbury's in Hayes. The evil shower drain god hadn't seen that one coming. Ha ha! I almost fell to my knees with glee in the middle of a crowded supermarket with cries of "Hallelujah!" But, only almost. I clutched that bright orange bottle of toxic chemicals so dearly, you'd have thought it was a Paralympic gold I'd just won. I felt a similar sense of glee (I'd imagine... the highest ranking medal in my collection is national gold).

Back to Uxbridge we went. I put on my most waterproof shoes to wade through my bathroom to the shower drain in the corner, and down glooped Mr Muscle. A few minutes later my floor was shiny dry!

That whole hair dyeing incident was a bit of a nightmare. I ended up with gold patches (which should've been blue streaks) in my hair. It had a profound effect on me, and the blondishness seeped thorugh into my brain. A couple of months afterwards while the blonde/gold patches were still there, I was reading my horoscope and it said "Relatives could also be quite helpfull with birthday gifts" and I found myself thinking "Wow! That's uncanny! They even knew that my birthday was coming up!"

Duh.

Anyway, back to the evil lightbulb god. While I was at uni, I had an en suite room. The halls office was open from 8am to 5pm Monday to Friday. I'd get back to my room from lectures on a Friday at about 5:15pm, go into my room, go into my bathroom and turn on the light... and the bulb would blow. Regularly. Just because there was bugger all I could do about it for 2 days (three when it went on a bank holiday weekend).

I hate peeing in the dark.

After I left uni I lived in a shared flat, and despite the fact that my official flatmate was also mobility impaired and only half an inch taller than me, there was always someone around who could change a bulb. Then, I moved into a bedsit, so I had a communal bathroom. I'd just leave bulb replacing up to someone else (it's not like I could do it).

So, moving into this flat in March is the first time for a few years that I've been responsible for my own bathroom illumination. The bulb had held out for six months.

Until Saturday night (yes, I don't have a life and I was sitting at home watching the telly while the rest of the world was out having fun). I went to go pee, pulled the light cord as I entered the bathroom... There was a bright flash, and suddenly my whole flat plunged into darkness.

I headed for the drawer in which my torch lives (or did. I dropped it down behind my dining table yesterday. I'm fucked if I need it again any time soon cos I can't be arsed to crawl under there and retrieve it). Torch in hand, I went and fetched my giant poking device from the bathroom (it's actually an extendable roller handle I bought when painting this place. I keep it in the bathroom for poking my gas meter to see how much credit I have left before it all goes cold. It is not in there for dodgy, sinister purposes. I assure you) and the three of us (torch, poking device and me) headed towards the fuse box in the kitchen.

I first encountered my fuse box when I was stripping the disgustingly vile wallpaper in this place. The steamer blew the fuses a couple of times. It took me fucking ages to open the flap on the front to get to the trip switches, trying to hook at it with a long handled dustpan. Once it was open, I "accidentally" opened my kitchen door against the flap and it "accidentally" snapped off. Shame, because now I can easily reset my trip switches with the aid of something pokey.

So, with the rest of my flat illuminated again, I still had to face the prospect of peeing in the dark. At least I don't live with any men. Who, from past experience, seem to only manage to pee in the bowl an average of one in three times even when they can see where they're aiming.

Evil lightbulb god overlooked something though. What he didn't realise was that just over 12 hours later I had tall people coming over to do tall things in the still ongoing redecoration of my flat. Ha ha. My friend's ex-boyfriend installed an energy saving lightbulb guaranteed to last twelve years.

Blow that evil lightbulb god!

I shouldn't say that - he will.

I love the internet

One of the greatest photos I've seen for a long time.

On the subject of Bush, a friend pointed out this page today, which is so offensive that it's hilarious.

My favourite quotes are:

"Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society."

"Causes of homosexuality include: 'sex with animals'"

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

But I think my very favourite is the second quote, right near the top of the page:

"Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims."

Still on the subject of Bush, though, a different variety... today someone came to this page by typing "wheelchair pussy," into Google. I do so hope they were looking for cute, mobility impaired cats that they could adopt.

You asked for it...

OK, those questions you've been asking:

Linette asked:

1. If there was absolutley no way you could fail, what 1 thing would you do?

Erm. Trying to become a stand-up comic? Oh, that's right, I'm doing that anyway. But knowing that failure wasn't an option would be handy.

2. What are you most proud of?

Having gotten an A in A Level Film Studies. It's the only A I've ever gotten in my life.

Gumchewingfreak asked:

1. If you could do it all again, what one thing would you do differently?

I don't know. There's lots of things in my life that I wish had happened differently, but nothing that I did that I'd change I don't think. If I could re-write history and change just one thing, I'd have brought in the Disability Discrimination Act 25 years earlier so I could've had a decent and enjoyable primary education.

2. If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?

My skin. Everything about my skin. From eczema, to acne, to excess hair... I have the worlds worst skin.

3. Whats the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

Ooo. Tough one. I think it's a tie between three things:

- My primary school Learning Support Assistant.
- My primary school Headmistress
- Getting classified as an S9 whilst at an international competition. This gives a basic idea of the classification system. Just reading the description of an S9, SB8, SM9, anyone who has ever met me can tell I'm much more disabled than the people I was expected to be able to compete equally against. It was quite unanimously agreed that I should've been an 8,7,8. By everyone except the classifiers that is, because most of the characteristics of Osteogenesis Imperfecta don't fit neatly into the classification system. Hence why I quit swimming.

4. When am I going to see you next?

Well, the last twice I've seen you have been because I've come to Cambridge. So... next time you come to London :-P

5. What's your fav colour?

Purple. Closely followed by blue and then bright pink (I dislike pastel pink. It's boring).

6.Have you ever been angry with you/at you/because of your imparment?

As a kid I used to wonder "why me?" But, when I look back, it was always discrimination, inequality and failures of our medical service that made me think that. Like, I'd be in agony with a broken leg, wondering "why me?" When if I'd been given some decent pain relief and not just half a paracetamol every 4 hours, I'd have been fine. Similarly, when my school refused to take me on trips I'd wonder "why me?" If I was at primary school now, post-DDA, I'd be able to make a fortune in compensation out of them for treating me like that.

7. Whats your deepest darkest secret?

I wish I was interesting enough to have one.

8.Have you ever been in trouble with the law?

I once got moaned at by a copper for having my car radio too loud. That's it.

9. Do you harbor secret fanticys of some job you'd totally love to do when you grow up?

When I grow up, I want to be able to make a living as a stand-up comic.

Lanei asked:

Which do you feel is more intrinsic to your identity, sexuality or disability?

My disability. As I've grown up, it's been a much bigger part in shaping me. Mainly because other people judge me on it more than they judge me for being a lezzer. I'm discriminated against daily because of my disability, but I don't think I ever have been for being gay. Which is odd. Being disabled shouldn't be so important. To people my age, such a big part of socialising is going out on the pull/dating/relationships which being gay obviously affects, but disability shouldn't.

Alex asked:

1) Do you consider yourself a spiritual person? If so, how would you label your spirituality, if at all?

Not really, no. I identify as an atheist. Last month I went to a Pagan Handfasting ceremony, and that was really lovely. Far more beautiful than any Christian wedding I've ever been to, and I'd kinda like to know more about Paganism from that. But I'm too lazy to actually research. I also learned a bit about Witchcraft when I lived with a Witch, and that was quite interesting too, but again, me = lazy.

2) Where is your favourite place on earth?

When I was a kid, it was Woodlarks, but I don't know now. I certainly wouldn't now want to live anywhere other than where I do. I love London, and I'm so Central here. Though, I wouldn't say no to a bigger, more accessible flat, especially if it was built right next door to where I am right now. I think if I ever grow up and have a family, I'd want to move back to Cambridge. I'd need to live in the city, and not some surrounding village. But, having lived there in my teens, I think Cambridge is a fantastic place for kids to grow up.

3) Who do you admire the most?

I honestly don't know. Sharleen Spiteri?

4) Who do you despise the most?

Anyone with discriminatory attitudes.

5) If you went on Desert Island Discs on Radio 4, which eight records would you choose?

1. Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper. The most beautiful song in the world. Ever.

2. Karma Chameleon by Culture Club. The first single I ever got (and Colour By Numbers was the first album I ever got in fact). I was 4. I'm still absolutely crushed that the night I went to see Taboo, Boy George wasn't in it. He was my childhood hero (well, him and Su Pollard. Probably goes a long way to explaining why I'm such an odd adult).

3. Saint by Texas. This is my favourite of all their songs, and I'm devastated they never released it as a single.

4. I Think We're Alone Now by Tiffany. I just love this song. It's great to sing along and bounce around to. And a week and a half before I left university, she played in the students union, and during that song she crouched down and took my hand. Heh. I was just a wee bit excited.

5. Ode To My Family by The Cranberries. I could pick anything off of No Need To Argue, it's an album I always find very humbling to listen to because of associated memories of the year I listened to it pretty much constantly... and that's the song off it that seems to get stuck in my head these days.

6. Lonely Girl by P!nk. On a variety of levels this song describes me fairly well. I love the line "I'm looking for a way to become, the person that I dreamt up, when I was 16". And I also love the line "how the birds would sing, as I'd count the rings, around my eyes". Very me.

7. So In Love With You by Texas (the original version off the album Ricks Road, not the version that's on Greatest Hits). Just cos I couldn't compile a CD track list with only one Texas song on it, and this is my favourite of all their singles.

8. Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Little Kim, Mya. A fun song to end on that reminds me of working in a little office in an old, dingy Oxford University building under extremely stressful conditions with someone who was the complete opposite of me in every way, but we hit it off so well. And every time we meet now, this song has to be played and danced to. It's one of life's musts.

Cryx asked:

If instant teleportation was invented, where in the world would you live?

Right where I do now (see above answer re: a slightly nicer flat though). I'd travel bloody widely though.

Flash asked:

1) Who was your first crush? By which I mean embarrassing pop star or film star etc...

I think probably Tiffany (the one who thought she was alone now).

2) At what age did you start using a wheelchair and how did you feel about it at the time?

5. It didn't make too much difference to be honest. I was so rubbish at walking that up until that age I'd spent most of my time being pushed around in a buggy. At least my wheelchair had self-propelling wheels so I could push myself if the ground was flat enough (my arms were so weak that I couldn't even push across carpet in a completely flat room) so it was a bit more independence than a buggy. Also, when I got the first chair I had a broken leg, and a wheelchair was certainly an improvement on being stuck in bed.

Here's a photo of me in my first chair:



I'm clutching my very first swimming trophy. Obviously, from the lump of plaster of paris on my leg that weighed as much as me, I'd not actually been in the pool that evening.

3) What's the worst hairstyle you've ever had?

About 18 months ago I went and got my hair cut. Despite asking firmly for him to not cut anything off the front at all, he did. I left with a mullet. I was so upset. Fortunately, I keep my hair tied back, so it was hard to see that I had a mullet. But, it took me forever to restrain the short bits at the front. I remember a day or so later going clubbing with Linette and my hair was all I could think about all night.

4) What are you looking forward to the most, in the future?

I honestly don't know. I'd love to settle down with someone amazing and start a family. I frequently doubt that that will ever happen.

Kimkali asked:

If there was one question you could ask and know the answer was The Truth, what would you ask and who to?

I'm fairly sure I know what you're hoping I'll type. Cheeky cow.

There's someone (I'm not saying who) that I'd like to ask if she does actually hate me or not. If not, why does she blank me 9 times out of 10?

Tim asked:

During an argument, why doesn't my girlfriend pay attention to anything I say? And when she does listen, why does she only listen to half of it so when she repeats it it sounds like I'm a complete bastard?

I have no idea. I'm no relationship expert. But, if you know any witty, single lesbians, point them in my direction and I'll conduct some research for you.

I'm so famous!

I am!

Yesterday I was out in public, and someone I've never met before came and spoke to me because they knew who I was!

Bow down before me, non-celebrity types.

Yes, bow down before me and do my bidding.

My bidding is check out my favourite website of the weekend: http://www.everythingsoundslikecoldplaynow.com/

And, if you think it's funny, go out and buy the single. It's released tomorrow. Go to your local record store and demand it! It's Mitch's first venture into the singles market. Show some support!