19 March 2007

Sometimes I wonder how walkies survive without wheelchairs.

I think today I may actually have died of embarrassment if I were not a wheelchair user.

I was in the supermarket. I stood up for a second to reach some cat food off a high shelf. As I sat back down in my chair I heard a tear, and suddenly became aware that my left buttock was colder than my right.

My trousers had ripped down the arse, just to the left of centre. And of course, I was wearing the most hideous pants I own underneath.

My immediate thought was one of relief. Relief that I am a wheelchair user, and could keep my exposed buttock hidden by sitting on it.

This got me thinking about how if I was even more crippled, I'd have been even better off; for if I had been unable to stand to reach that cat food then my trousers wouldn't have ripped as I sat back down. OK, I'd have had to sit there until someone walked past so I could ask them to pass the food. But that's a small price to pay for a warm bum on a snowy day like today.

Some people think that becoming a wheelchair user would be the most embarrassing thing in the world... Ever! Look at all those weirdo's who'd rather be housebound and fully dependent on others just because "Ew! I don't wanna use a wheelchair. I don't wanna look disabled. Gross!"

I would like to run up behind all those people with a knife and slash the back of their trousers to expose their crap pants. Once half of north London has seen their arse, I'd like to ask them then if they still think using a wheelchair would be more embarrassing.