13 March 2006

Paper bags.

What is the fucking point?

"Oh, well, they're better for the environment cos they biodegrade unlike plastic bags..."

Yeah. Let's save the world by cutting down the trees!

"But, recycled paper."

If I wanted to wipe my arse on one of my old degree essays I wouldn't sent it via the recycling bank.

I did slightly go off the point there, moving from paper bags to toilet roll. But, as far as I'm concerned paper bags are more practical for wiping your arse with than they are for carrying your shopping home.

So, you leave Lush having spent most of this month's pay cheque on ridiculous expensive but oh so pretty smelling, erm, smellies. Can you get the bag to hang on the back of your wheelchair? Can you fuck. 8 out of 10 plastic carrier bags will hang on the back of a wheelchair... But paper bags? I'm yet to meet one...

What can you do? You need your hands to push so you end up carrying the bag home in your teeth, fully reveling in the pain in your jaw from where you need to have your sideways wisdom to be sawn in half to be removed (bone saw in my mouth! What fun. Thank fuck I'll be asleep). Spot the problem? You have saliva in your mouth which is wet. Wet dissolves paper. You seeing my problem here? By the time you get home you're dribbling black ink from the bag, and the handles have disintegrated so nothing but luck gets your goodies home.

This of course adds to my theory that Lush don't want "us" buying their stuff. Don't believe me? Check out the inaccessibility of all their London stores. Covent Garden possibly qualifying for "the most inaccessible store, in the world... Ever!"

And the paper bags is not just a cripple issue. This is Britain! It rains all the damn time! You spend a fortune on smellies, go out in the pissing rain and the bottom has fallen out of the bag by the time you get to the bus stop. You've just spent a fortune on fancy shower gels et al only for some tall bloke reeking of alcohol to tread in them when the bag loses the will to live. His shoes get nice and clean, but, what about me? Maybe that's their marketing ploy so you have to go back and buy more?

"But small children and animals can suffocate in plastic bags!"

I don't have small children and my cat likes to lick plastic bags. Licking paper doesn't seem to please her nearly as much.