25 February 2004

And, this time my excuse for the long gap between entries is: I can't concentrate on writing with a permanent nipple erection. It's just too distracting.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Which is a somewhat pointless saying, don't you think? If you were taking desperate measures under normal circumstances you'd look like an utter plonker. Using the cat's litter tray could be perceived as acceptable when the toilet is broken, but, there would be something very bad and wrong about going to such an extreme when the toilet is available for use.

Don't worry. I haven't been using the litter tray. The times haven't been that desperate (and neither have I).

I have however spent 4 days working my way around the showers of everyone I know in the Golders Green area. I haven't developed a fetish for showers, or even taken a job as a shower quality inspector (though that does sound quite good). Our boiler broke. And in February, in an unheated house, I was not going to be taking a cold shower. I feared I may end up in a similar frozen and shattered situation to the T-1000 after the liquid nitrogen incident.

I'm quite a serious contender for the title of "World's Laziest Person" - so getting up at 6:45am on Monday in order to use a neighbour's shower when I didn't have to leave for work until 9am constiutes something more heinous than weeing in a kitty litter tray.

I've also had to bite the bullet (not literally... I like having the lower half of my face still attached) and buy an electric heater. This bothered me for two reasons: 1) I'm turning into Arkwright and don't like spending money (because I have none), and; 2) Because they use so much electricity (see point 1).

The weekend has therefore been spent huddled around an electric heater in my room, deperately avoiding having to the bathroom/kitchen (the role of the two rooms not to be confused). To make matters worse, my wheelchair broke last Thursday which meant I couldn't get into work on Friday. Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but I had been looking forward to going into work, just to be in a centrally heated building. So the day was spent huddled under my duvet watching Daytime TV. Which is always exciting. It also took me several days to discover the answer to the question "If you were a purple hippo hot water bottle, where would you hide?"

The tale ends yesterday morning when our boiler was finally fixed. Hoorah! (Though our bathroom radiator still isn't working. If anyone were to glance at my chest whilst in there, they'd think brushing my teeth is a far more enjoyable activity than it actually is).

If anyone would like to contribute to the "Pay Lisy's Electricity Bill Fund", please contact me. After all, if Jeffrey Archer could possibly of made money out of charity (note how I'm not saying that he did), I should be able to.

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