Today someone has come by my blog by typing "baking substitution lisy" into google.

They were looking for an alternative to me to put into their cake?

Huh.

"Four and twenty Lisy's baked in a pie..."

It just doesn't have the right ring about it. Does it?

And can you imagine when the pie was opened and the Lisy's began to sing? There'd be some wincing in terror I tell you. It'd sound worse than those two cats shagging.

On Saturday night, heading back to my car having returned my trolley to the little trolley park bit in the supermarket car park, I passed the door to the store. There was a man outside screaming at the manager about the fact that his bag had just been stolen in the car park. I actually heard him say:

"It's on your watch! Doesn't look good, does it?"

And I thought I watched too much TV. I don't feel so tragic about using Buffy quotes about Apolcalypses (thank you to Joy for pointing out in my last post the correct plural of "Apocalypse") in my blog to fill some space.

On the subject of screaming and TV, I haven't heard porn coming through my ceiling for a week or so. I think my upstairs neighbour might have gone on holiday. At least, I hope the noise of something big and heavy being dragged down the stairs at 3:10am last Wednesday morning was a suitcase. Either that, or, I think he was disposing of a corpse. Hmmm...

Last week was not a good week for being woken up during the night at 10 past hours which are a multiple of three. The following morning I was woken up at 6:10am by two cats having obscenely noisy sex, right outside my bedroom window.

At first, I thought they were fighting, and just smothered myself with my pillow in an attempt to block out the noise.

Until I heard one of them crying, and figured I'd better pull back the curtains and have a nosey incase it was injured. I was greeted by the most comical sight...

There were two cats sitting next two each other, and it was so obviously post-coital and not post brutality. I'm surprised the ginger one wasn't smoking a cigarette. The black one was crying, and you could almost see the ginger one rolling his eyes at the black one for getting so over emotional. In the end, he decided he'd had enough and walked off.

Immediately the black one stopped crying (attention seeking, much?), cleaned herself off, and then wandered off in the opposite direction.

Though it was kinda funny, I was Not Impressed about being woken up that early. When I finally get around to getting a cat, the first thing I shall do is make sure his bollocks have been detached.

Yes.

I tried talking to God, but he ignored me. OK, show of hands... how many Ellen DeGeneres fans clicked on that link and the first question they asked was "Why are there fleas?" I bet she wouldn't have phoned him if that website had existed when she wrote that routine.

I think I made him paranoid when I told him that I knew that "The anonymous 'they'" are in fact wheelchair repairers.

On the subject of wheelchair repairers and God... a sure sign that the apocalypse is coming (as if tsunamis, hurricanes, floods and Boy Bands weren't indicative enough)...

On Tuesday I had wheelchair repairers booked to come and change my tyres, seeing as they'd become so deformed that my chair was no longer going in a straight line.

What happened? They actually showed up. On the day they were booked to. Between the hours they were supposed to show up. Not only did they appear, but, they brought the correct tyres for my chair *and* they've been fitted correctly.

See? The world is doomed.

I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

My thumb has been very sore for the last two or three days now.

There's one thing about it that I can't help but notice:

It doesn't stick out.

Does this make me "special"?

Edit: Alright, pedants... yes my thumb sticks out to the side of my hand in that way that thumbs do. How's this then:

My sore thumb doesn't stick out any more than my non-sore thumb.

Better?

Ha ha! Evil god of bathroom lightbulbs. I have thwarted your plans.

Ner ner ner ner ner.

The god of bathroom lightbulbs has hated me for a few years now. I'm assuming it's a god, and not a goddess because of the meanness. What would a goddess of bathroom lightbulbs have against me? It's not like I slept with her girlfriend or something.

Unless, maybe I did? Being incorporeal, but having the power to watch over everyone all the time, gods and goddess must start to fantasise about certain people they're looking down on. Perhaps the goddess of bathroom lightbulbs had built up this whole fantasy relationship in her head about someone who, in a moment of temporary insanity, decided I'd be a suitable bedfellow?

That would explain a lot.

Especially if she's doubling up roles and is the goddess of bathroom lightbulbs and shower drains. Though, I've already dealt with the shower drainage issues. Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole unblocker. That stuff can destroy months of planning on behalf of evil shower drain gods/godesses in one gloop.

The shower drain god/godess has still tried bloody hard though. One day while I was at uni a friend came to stay with me for a few days. We both decided it'd be a really sensible idea to dye each others hair for a fun way to pass a Saturday night. By the time we were done, there weren't no water going down my shower drain. At all. My bathroom was officially flooded. It looked like Hurricane Lisy had hit.

I dragged my friend to my local Sainsbury's. There was a gap on the shelf where Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole Unblocker should've been sitting. The god of shower drainage had been busy that weekend in the Uxbridge area apparently. That, or, he saw me coming. So, I dragged my friend to Tesco's. Again with the empty shelf space. Dammit. This god had planned good. I forced my friend back into my car and dragged him to Sainsbury's in Hayes. The evil shower drain god hadn't seen that one coming. Ha ha! I almost fell to my knees with glee in the middle of a crowded supermarket with cries of "Hallelujah!" But, only almost. I clutched that bright orange bottle of toxic chemicals so dearly, you'd have thought it was a Paralympic gold I'd just won. I felt a similar sense of glee (I'd imagine... the highest ranking medal in my collection is national gold).

Back to Uxbridge we went. I put on my most waterproof shoes to wade through my bathroom to the shower drain in the corner, and down glooped Mr Muscle. A few minutes later my floor was shiny dry!

That whole hair dyeing incident was a bit of a nightmare. I ended up with gold patches (which should've been blue streaks) in my hair. It had a profound effect on me, and the blondishness seeped thorugh into my brain. A couple of months afterwards while the blonde/gold patches were still there, I was reading my horoscope and it said "Relatives could also be quite helpfull with birthday gifts" and I found myself thinking "Wow! That's uncanny! They even knew that my birthday was coming up!"

Duh.

Anyway, back to the evil lightbulb god. While I was at uni, I had an en suite room. The halls office was open from 8am to 5pm Monday to Friday. I'd get back to my room from lectures on a Friday at about 5:15pm, go into my room, go into my bathroom and turn on the light... and the bulb would blow. Regularly. Just because there was bugger all I could do about it for 2 days (three when it went on a bank holiday weekend).

I hate peeing in the dark.

After I left uni I lived in a shared flat, and despite the fact that my official flatmate was also mobility impaired and only half an inch taller than me, there was always someone around who could change a bulb. Then, I moved into a bedsit, so I had a communal bathroom. I'd just leave bulb replacing up to someone else (it's not like I could do it).

So, moving into this flat in March is the first time for a few years that I've been responsible for my own bathroom illumination. The bulb had held out for six months.

Until Saturday night (yes, I don't have a life and I was sitting at home watching the telly while the rest of the world was out having fun). I went to go pee, pulled the light cord as I entered the bathroom... There was a bright flash, and suddenly my whole flat plunged into darkness.

I headed for the drawer in which my torch lives (or did. I dropped it down behind my dining table yesterday. I'm fucked if I need it again any time soon cos I can't be arsed to crawl under there and retrieve it). Torch in hand, I went and fetched my giant poking device from the bathroom (it's actually an extendable roller handle I bought when painting this place. I keep it in the bathroom for poking my gas meter to see how much credit I have left before it all goes cold. It is not in there for dodgy, sinister purposes. I assure you) and the three of us (torch, poking device and me) headed towards the fuse box in the kitchen.

I first encountered my fuse box when I was stripping the disgustingly vile wallpaper in this place. The steamer blew the fuses a couple of times. It took me fucking ages to open the flap on the front to get to the trip switches, trying to hook at it with a long handled dustpan. Once it was open, I "accidentally" opened my kitchen door against the flap and it "accidentally" snapped off. Shame, because now I can easily reset my trip switches with the aid of something pokey.

So, with the rest of my flat illuminated again, I still had to face the prospect of peeing in the dark. At least I don't live with any men. Who, from past experience, seem to only manage to pee in the bowl an average of one in three times even when they can see where they're aiming.

Evil lightbulb god overlooked something though. What he didn't realise was that just over 12 hours later I had tall people coming over to do tall things in the still ongoing redecoration of my flat. Ha ha. My friend's ex-boyfriend installed an energy saving lightbulb guaranteed to last twelve years.

Blow that evil lightbulb god!

I shouldn't say that - he will.

I love the internet

One of the greatest photos I've seen for a long time.

On the subject of Bush, a friend pointed out this page today, which is so offensive that it's hilarious.

My favourite quotes are:

"Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society."

"Causes of homosexuality include: 'sex with animals'"

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

But I think my very favourite is the second quote, right near the top of the page:

"Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims."

Still on the subject of Bush, though, a different variety... today someone came to this page by typing "wheelchair pussy," into Google. I do so hope they were looking for cute, mobility impaired cats that they could adopt.

You asked for it...

OK, those questions you've been asking:

Linette asked:

1. If there was absolutley no way you could fail, what 1 thing would you do?

Erm. Trying to become a stand-up comic? Oh, that's right, I'm doing that anyway. But knowing that failure wasn't an option would be handy.

2. What are you most proud of?

Having gotten an A in A Level Film Studies. It's the only A I've ever gotten in my life.

Gumchewingfreak asked:

1. If you could do it all again, what one thing would you do differently?

I don't know. There's lots of things in my life that I wish had happened differently, but nothing that I did that I'd change I don't think. If I could re-write history and change just one thing, I'd have brought in the Disability Discrimination Act 25 years earlier so I could've had a decent and enjoyable primary education.

2. If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?

My skin. Everything about my skin. From eczema, to acne, to excess hair... I have the worlds worst skin.

3. Whats the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

Ooo. Tough one. I think it's a tie between three things:

- My primary school Learning Support Assistant.
- My primary school Headmistress
- Getting classified as an S9 whilst at an international competition. This gives a basic idea of the classification system. Just reading the description of an S9, SB8, SM9, anyone who has ever met me can tell I'm much more disabled than the people I was expected to be able to compete equally against. It was quite unanimously agreed that I should've been an 8,7,8. By everyone except the classifiers that is, because most of the characteristics of Osteogenesis Imperfecta don't fit neatly into the classification system. Hence why I quit swimming.

4. When am I going to see you next?

Well, the last twice I've seen you have been because I've come to Cambridge. So... next time you come to London :-P

5. What's your fav colour?

Purple. Closely followed by blue and then bright pink (I dislike pastel pink. It's boring).

6.Have you ever been angry with you/at you/because of your imparment?

As a kid I used to wonder "why me?" But, when I look back, it was always discrimination, inequality and failures of our medical service that made me think that. Like, I'd be in agony with a broken leg, wondering "why me?" When if I'd been given some decent pain relief and not just half a paracetamol every 4 hours, I'd have been fine. Similarly, when my school refused to take me on trips I'd wonder "why me?" If I was at primary school now, post-DDA, I'd be able to make a fortune in compensation out of them for treating me like that.

7. Whats your deepest darkest secret?

I wish I was interesting enough to have one.

8.Have you ever been in trouble with the law?

I once got moaned at by a copper for having my car radio too loud. That's it.

9. Do you harbor secret fanticys of some job you'd totally love to do when you grow up?

When I grow up, I want to be able to make a living as a stand-up comic.

Lanei asked:

Which do you feel is more intrinsic to your identity, sexuality or disability?

My disability. As I've grown up, it's been a much bigger part in shaping me. Mainly because other people judge me on it more than they judge me for being a lezzer. I'm discriminated against daily because of my disability, but I don't think I ever have been for being gay. Which is odd. Being disabled shouldn't be so important. To people my age, such a big part of socialising is going out on the pull/dating/relationships which being gay obviously affects, but disability shouldn't.

Alex asked:

1) Do you consider yourself a spiritual person? If so, how would you label your spirituality, if at all?

Not really, no. I identify as an atheist. Last month I went to a Pagan Handfasting ceremony, and that was really lovely. Far more beautiful than any Christian wedding I've ever been to, and I'd kinda like to know more about Paganism from that. But I'm too lazy to actually research. I also learned a bit about Witchcraft when I lived with a Witch, and that was quite interesting too, but again, me = lazy.

2) Where is your favourite place on earth?

When I was a kid, it was Woodlarks, but I don't know now. I certainly wouldn't now want to live anywhere other than where I do. I love London, and I'm so Central here. Though, I wouldn't say no to a bigger, more accessible flat, especially if it was built right next door to where I am right now. I think if I ever grow up and have a family, I'd want to move back to Cambridge. I'd need to live in the city, and not some surrounding village. But, having lived there in my teens, I think Cambridge is a fantastic place for kids to grow up.

3) Who do you admire the most?

I honestly don't know. Sharleen Spiteri?

4) Who do you despise the most?

Anyone with discriminatory attitudes.

5) If you went on Desert Island Discs on Radio 4, which eight records would you choose?

1. Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper. The most beautiful song in the world. Ever.

2. Karma Chameleon by Culture Club. The first single I ever got (and Colour By Numbers was the first album I ever got in fact). I was 4. I'm still absolutely crushed that the night I went to see Taboo, Boy George wasn't in it. He was my childhood hero (well, him and Su Pollard. Probably goes a long way to explaining why I'm such an odd adult).

3. Saint by Texas. This is my favourite of all their songs, and I'm devastated they never released it as a single.

4. I Think We're Alone Now by Tiffany. I just love this song. It's great to sing along and bounce around to. And a week and a half before I left university, she played in the students union, and during that song she crouched down and took my hand. Heh. I was just a wee bit excited.

5. Ode To My Family by The Cranberries. I could pick anything off of No Need To Argue, it's an album I always find very humbling to listen to because of associated memories of the year I listened to it pretty much constantly... and that's the song off it that seems to get stuck in my head these days.

6. Lonely Girl by P!nk. On a variety of levels this song describes me fairly well. I love the line "I'm looking for a way to become, the person that I dreamt up, when I was 16". And I also love the line "how the birds would sing, as I'd count the rings, around my eyes". Very me.

7. So In Love With You by Texas (the original version off the album Ricks Road, not the version that's on Greatest Hits). Just cos I couldn't compile a CD track list with only one Texas song on it, and this is my favourite of all their singles.

8. Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Little Kim, Mya. A fun song to end on that reminds me of working in a little office in an old, dingy Oxford University building under extremely stressful conditions with someone who was the complete opposite of me in every way, but we hit it off so well. And every time we meet now, this song has to be played and danced to. It's one of life's musts.

Cryx asked:

If instant teleportation was invented, where in the world would you live?

Right where I do now (see above answer re: a slightly nicer flat though). I'd travel bloody widely though.

Flash asked:

1) Who was your first crush? By which I mean embarrassing pop star or film star etc...

I think probably Tiffany (the one who thought she was alone now).

2) At what age did you start using a wheelchair and how did you feel about it at the time?

5. It didn't make too much difference to be honest. I was so rubbish at walking that up until that age I'd spent most of my time being pushed around in a buggy. At least my wheelchair had self-propelling wheels so I could push myself if the ground was flat enough (my arms were so weak that I couldn't even push across carpet in a completely flat room) so it was a bit more independence than a buggy. Also, when I got the first chair I had a broken leg, and a wheelchair was certainly an improvement on being stuck in bed.

Here's a photo of me in my first chair:



I'm clutching my very first swimming trophy. Obviously, from the lump of plaster of paris on my leg that weighed as much as me, I'd not actually been in the pool that evening.

3) What's the worst hairstyle you've ever had?

About 18 months ago I went and got my hair cut. Despite asking firmly for him to not cut anything off the front at all, he did. I left with a mullet. I was so upset. Fortunately, I keep my hair tied back, so it was hard to see that I had a mullet. But, it took me forever to restrain the short bits at the front. I remember a day or so later going clubbing with Linette and my hair was all I could think about all night.

4) What are you looking forward to the most, in the future?

I honestly don't know. I'd love to settle down with someone amazing and start a family. I frequently doubt that that will ever happen.

Kimkali asked:

If there was one question you could ask and know the answer was The Truth, what would you ask and who to?

I'm fairly sure I know what you're hoping I'll type. Cheeky cow.

There's someone (I'm not saying who) that I'd like to ask if she does actually hate me or not. If not, why does she blank me 9 times out of 10?

Tim asked:

During an argument, why doesn't my girlfriend pay attention to anything I say? And when she does listen, why does she only listen to half of it so when she repeats it it sounds like I'm a complete bastard?

I have no idea. I'm no relationship expert. But, if you know any witty, single lesbians, point them in my direction and I'll conduct some research for you.

I'm so famous!

I am!

Yesterday I was out in public, and someone I've never met before came and spoke to me because they knew who I was!

Bow down before me, non-celebrity types.

Yes, bow down before me and do my bidding.

My bidding is check out my favourite website of the weekend: http://www.everythingsoundslikecoldplaynow.com/

And, if you think it's funny, go out and buy the single. It's released tomorrow. Go to your local record store and demand it! It's Mitch's first venture into the singles market. Show some support!

"This platform's nicer than the other one. The other one looks like a bomb's gone off," said my friend as our Northern Line train pulled into Kennington.

This was followed by a sharp gasp "Oh my god, it hasn't, has it?" He's not from round these parts, bless him. Not yet, anyway. He'd come down to London a week earlier to sort out paperwork for the degree he's shortly going to be starting down here, and then just failed to go back to Manchester again.

"No, but as we went through Stockwell I had an overwhleming urge to sing "Let's get shot," to the tune of Def Leppard's Let's Get Rocked. But, I didn't. As you know. You're sitting right there opposite me."

We talked about how horrifc that shooting appears to have been, that he seems to have been shot simply for the colour of his skin. My friend, being a male of middle Eastern descent has more reason to be concerned than most. He was telling me how he's been pulled out of queue's and searched, as have other people he knows, simply for not being white. Big Brother is watching him and all that - which is kind of ironic given how keen he used to be in wanting to appear on that show.

On my way down to Balham this evening, I wasn't in his company, so couldn't access the tube because I wasn't with someone tough enough to assist me (we met up down there). So, I had to make my way down south by bus.

You know those tour buses with a guide that points out interesting sights "And on your left you'll see the Houses of Parliament," etc, etc? Well, from what I could make of the situation it seemed that there was an Irish woman (I can spot accents, aren't I clever?) with her parents. It appeared to me that she now lived here, and her parents were visiting her.

As the bus moved southwards, she was giving her parents a running commentary:

"See that bus? That's a number 30. The same route as the bus that blew up on July 7th. And see that church? People were leaving floral tributes outside there. And here, this is where the bus actually blew up. And look, over there, there's still some flowers."

Either the Big Bus Company or The Original Tour want to snap her up sharpish. A bus tour for the post 7/7 London.

I have a confession to make.

I'm sure that most of you will be so ashamed that you'll never read my blog again. I apologise, but I need to get this sin off my chest.

Please don't judge me too harshly. Remember that I'm still the same funny Lisy underneath.

What have I done that's so shameful?

Well, yesterday I had a ticket for Fox FM's Party in the Park in Oxford. Texas were playing.

I couldn't be bothered to go.

Please, don't look away now! Hear me out!

What impeded me? A common cold and a dodgy shoulder.

I know, I know! I shouldn't have let that stop me. But, I did. I know, I've let my readers down, I've let Texas down, but most importantly I've let myself down. I'm well aware.

As punishment for my sins, I'm now waiting for my Texas CD collection to spontaneously combust.

It seems that somehow though, you all psychically knew all that. I appear to have suddenly become even more unpopular than ever - only one person has so far responded to my request for questions.

I'll go and sit in the naughty corner then.

Ask Lisy

Well, it's the last night of my holiday. Unlike last year I'm not stuck in my youth hostel due to a broken fucking wheelchair, but I'm trying to be sensible and get an early night because I'm panicing about missing my train at 10:30am. Except, I'm actually procrastinating online. Cos, that makes a change for me, and they say a change is as good as a holiday...

Anyway, almost a year ago I wrote a short post inviting readers to Email me asking me questions. Any questions. Though, I did stipulate that any maths questions would not be gratefully received.

It was quite fun, and I got some interesting questions. And I got some writing work out of it which is a bonus.

So... I'm doing it again. If you've got any questions... if you want to know something about me, if you want to ask my opinions on something, or if you just want to ask me something entirely random... please Email me. I anticipate that I won't be flooded with such an overwhelming sea of questions that I won't be able to answer them all... but, I'd better say that I can't promise to answer them all. Though, I'll try. Unless you ask me something mathmatical, in which case I'll just post your Email address here and hope all the spambots find it.

I'll try and post all the answers in about a weeks time, so, you have one week to complete your task. Also, in the questiony Email let me know if you want me to use your name/an alias or if you want to remain anonymous, and also if you have your own website/blog you'd like me to link to.

"Give my Grandad's teeth back"...

... was by far the most random flag of the day I saw being waved over the crowds by people hoping to get on the telly yesterday at V2005.

I understand people waving flags in an attempt to be the centre of attention, and the thowing about of inflatables over the crowds... even if the crowd surfing dinosaur during the Kaiser Chiefs seemed to find the experience deflating. But there's two things I cannot understand why people feel the need to throw - beer and toilet paper. The throwing beer pisses off the people who wind up wearing it... OK, if you're a cunt, I can see your motivation for wanting to throw it. But aren't you a weensy bit annoyed that you're wasting alcohol? And alcohol at festival prices to boot?

The second thing I don't understand the throwing of is toilet paper. If you've had the foresight to take your own bogroll, you don't want to throw it away on your first afternoon, do you? When you wake up on Sunday morning and have to go for a crap (which you certainly will do after eating festival food the day before) you're gonna have to drag your arse across the grass like a dog! And that's just not dignified, even at a festival.

The worst thing about festivals though is the mud. Yesterday the rain held off all day, until I was snuggly in my car and heading back to London. I felt disproportionately smug about this, after the last time I went to V 4 years ago and got soaked through to my pants. But, despite the absence of rain, the ground was still soft, moist and muddy. I'm currently on a train up to Scotland (and hooray for having my computer as a distraction from staring at the guy sitting opposite me who keeps going off to vomit) and am taking plenty of Essex mud with me where it's firmly caked on my wheels. Today I feel like I have the upper body strength of The Incredible Hulk after yesterday's wading through swamps.

The bands I managed to view during the day were:

* KT Tunstall - Why did no-one tell me she had such a sexy accent?
* Good Charlotte - Boring - apart from the couple of songs I recognised off the radio, which were worth bouncing along too. Took their set as an opportunity to go get some lunch if I'm honest.
* The Bravery - You'd think that with a name like that that they'd be a band solely made up of wheelchair users, wouldn't you? But, their name misleads. I'd never actually heard their name before, but I recognised a couple of their songs, presumably from Popstarz.
* Kaiser Chiefs - Fab. Lots of energy, enthusiasm, and who could go wrong with a mystical ability to forsee riots? Even if they were slightly weary seeing as they'd never been that far away from home before (Go, groan, I know you want to)
* Robert Plant - So boring I'm amazed my arse is still attached. I expect to be lynched by lots of middle-aged folk for typing that.
* Texas - They're Texas... is any more of a review needed?

Exiting I managed to blag my way backstage! This was because I'd parked in the car park near the production gate, and backstage was not only a much shorter route to my car, but they'd also laid down temporary roadways, whereas us ticket holders, who'd paid to be there were expected to wade our way back to our vehicles. In my begging to be allowed to take the easier route I kept using words like "reasonable" in conjunction with words like "access" until I think I confused the toothless security guard (hey - I wonder if it was his grandson in the crowd with the flag?) and he let me through, with a warning that I'd probably get sent back the way I'd just gone as I didn't have a backstage pass. About 200 yards on, I came to another security checkpoint where the path passed right behind the Channel 4 Stage. I was just about to open my mouth and explain the access inadequacies to the man trying to look fearsome, when two women came up behind me, with their backstage passes and said "she's with us!" La. No explanations needed. Hooray for that good old festival spirit.

On the subject of festival spirit. When I was on my way over to the JJB Arena to see Texas, I passed a man, sitting on the grass wearing a T-shirt that I thought was somewhat entertaining. I went up to him and told him I liked it, and asked where he got it. So, he took it off and gave it to me.

What do we think:



I have to say, I think it looks better on me than on a non-disabled bloke. On him, he looked like a bit of a cunt. Me - I can pull it off as a kind of statement. I don't mean pull it off as a statement in the Lady Godiva sense, I mean, oh, you know what I mean...

Going back to the me being allowed to roam backstage. That was fair enough, it was a reasonable access adjustment if you ask me. I'd have had no objection to being escorted by security while I went through... just to make sure I didn't go harrassing Texas. But, they didn't care. Not that I would've gone hunting for people off the telly. That'd involve going off the laid down track and would be like far too much hard work if nothing else.

But, I would like to award the security staff at the event in general my "nutsack of the week award." Particularly to the ssecurity they put to protect the cripple viewing platform by the Channel 4 stage. They didn't care about the fact that, as far as I could make out, on the festival site itself (not including the campsite) there were only 4 disabled loos. Their job in patrolling the viewing platform also included protecting 2 of the toilets from non-crips. Did they? No. They just made sure the queue remained orderly. By 7pm the toilets were full. I'm so glad I only had a day ticket and don't have to face the prospect of having to use them today. Though, I am currently on a train, and the "space for a wheelchair user" is of course next to the toilet, so I've still got that festival aroma with me.

Ooo, here comes Edinburgh. No time for a humourous punchline. Instead, to commemorate my return to Edinburgh, here's one my friend made earlier:

Summer of Love

Well, it would appear it's the summer of love.

Two weekends ago, I went to an engagement party. I'm obviously not averse to an opportunity for free champagne. And it was an interesting learning experience... did you know that if you go round the Oxford ring road, that Abingdon is signposted in a clockwise direction, but not anti-clockwise? That's logic that is. Naturally, my friend and I discovered this after we'd orbited Oxford in an anti-clockwise direction.

More geographical challenges followed me this weekend just past... I went to an actual wedding. Gulp. The bride informed me that the Traveloge in which she'd reserved a room for me was on the A5 towards Oswestry. But, did you know that if you leave Shrewsbury town centre following signs for "Oswestry A5" that it brings you out on the A5 further west than the Travelodge? Boys and girls, don't fall for that. I wound up in Oswestry before I learned this. My father upon reading this will beam that I went to Oswestry. When he was in his youth he attended the "special" college there for disabled young men. I love the fact that their entry criteria was that you must be disabled, but not a wheelchair user. Inclusive education ladies and gentlemen. Yes. His school photo's all consist of a bunch of crips being propped up on an assortment of sticks and crutches, looking like they may fall flat any second.

But, yes, wedding. It was pissing down when I arrived in Shrewsbury. I've never been so happy to see a church in all my life. As I entered the door the minister handed me a towel, because I looked like a rat that had just swum up a drainpipe. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate weather? Oh, yes... repeatedly.

The bride looked stunning in her silver dress. The poor woman spent Thursday night in hospital, but on Saturday she looked radiant. The groom also looked fabulous in his black and red dress. It's so not fair that all men who cross-dress look better in dresses than I do. On Saturday, I even made the effort and wore a skirt! Nicely showing off all the bruises on my shins. On Friday a friend (on her way up to the wedding a day early) got tipped out of her wheelchair when the ramp from the train snapped. Her chair alone weighs 18 stone without someone's body weight in it. Her and her chair all landed on her arm. She wound up with a bruise the same size as the one I got on my arm from being hit with a smegging door handle.

Which leads me off down a tangent - I've mentioned before some of the Google terms people have used to find my blog. Well, the other day someone typed in "Fucking door knobs," and got Google sent them to this post. Fair enough. But what where they hoping to find? Door knob porn? Kinda makes those people that search for Dolphin porn look almost sane, doesn't it?

Anyway, back to the summer of love. Last week, not one but two of my friends moved in with their respective partners. Two more of my friends who've been single for ages have in the last couple of weeks gotten themselves girlfriends.

I think there must be something in the air and living in Central London the air is too polluted for me to get any of that love dust into my lungs, instead I just inhale car exhaust emissions. Oh, no, wait, most of my friends live in Central London. Maybe I'm just too low down to inhale it?

I wonder if that pile of dust collecting behind my stereo speakers has romantic properties? Maybe I should do a line of it to find out...

After the ritual humiliation that was being the on board entertainment for most passengers on the way up there, I knew I was in Edinburgh when the train doors opened and in wafted the smell of brown bread toast. I've never known a city to have such a distinct smell. Though later on that day I ran into some friends in the Pleasance Courtyard. While one of them is keeping daily tabs on the extent of the toast smell in her Fringe Blog, the other maintained that just occasionaly she gets a whiff of Weetabix with warm milk.

Liverpool is "City of Culture 2008," London is "2012 Olympic [and Paralympic] City," maybe Edinburgh should become subtitled "Edinburgh: City of Breakfast Foods."

Another telling sign of Edinburgh is all the hills and the cobbles. What fun! I stayed in a youth hostel I've never stayed in before (I'm gradually working my way round all the SYHA Edinburgh hostels I think), and, guess what? It's on a hill! A cobbled hill.

Cobbles on hills ruin all the fun of hills of just being able to let go of your wheels and frighten people as if you were using a scooter. Because you can't freewheel down. Your front wheels would get caught and you'd be on your chin in a puddle of blood quicker than I can down a Smirnoff Ice.

And Edinburgh cobbles are all so violent that they rob you of any cheap sexual thrill you can usually get on cobbles as a wheelchair user. It's really not possible to roll over them at a normal pace and enjoy the slight vibrating sensation. No. You have to go so slowly and carefully over the wretched things the only sensation you're going to experience is frustration. And annoyance at the people that ask if you need a hand every 5 seconds, which is not an offer you can accept because, as I wrote last year, their pushing would be less attentive than mine, and they'd have me out of my chair and on my chin in that puddle of blood within seconds. Do you reckon it's possible to take Edinburgh City Council to court under the DDA - because disabled people are treated less favourably when it comes to moving around the city simply because the council have ignored the fact that nice, shiny tarmac has been invented?

Bringing together themes of cobbles, the DDA, the Pleasance Courtyard and drinking (OK, it only got a fleeting mention in the post, but, still), something that happened on Monday night got me wondering...

After seeing Richard Herring's show on Monday, and before going over to the Gilded Balloon for my So You Think You're Funny Semi-Final (out of the 8 of us competitors, I was not the lucky one to go through to the final. I shall be cursing the lovely yet too talented Stuart Goldsmith for the rest of my days), the aforementioned two friends and I had a drink in the Courtyard.

I bought my drink from the bar out the back by the toilets. This bar only sells bottles and cans. So, I bought my can of Blackthorn and asked "can you not open it please? It'll be easier for me to carry."

"I'm afraid I have to open it. Licensing laws..." said the bartender.

In the Courtyard I'm at a seriously disadvantaged drinking position... because of the cobbles. I can either down my drink at the bar, or, wind up wearing it as I try to carry it back to a table. The taste of cider mixed with fabric softener where you've had to suck most of your pint out of your trousers really isn't as refreshing as it is straight out of the can.

Which is where my brain ticked. "If the DDA and licensing laws got into a fight, which one would win?" I posed this question to my friends once I'd returned to the table, with surprisingly minimal Blackthorn on my trousers.

"I think they'd battle it out for a while on equal footing until eventually they caused so much trauma that the earth imploded and sucked them in," said my friend. I wonder what she might have thought up if she had a propensity towards melodrama?

My other friend gave me a ginger nut biscuit.

The things we wish we could say, if only we had the balls.

"Attention train crew! Disabled passenger alarm activated!" Said the announcement. What it might as well have said was:

"Attention all passengers in coaches G and E: All turn and gawp at the lady in the wheelchair who is trying to mind her own business, and has clearly not pulled any handles or pushed any buttons."

As hundreds of eyes burned into me because they were waiting for me to spontaneously combust, or at the very least, fall on the floor, I couldn't help but become transfixed by my fingernails.

After the announcement had repeated itself 4 times. it ceased. And most passengers resumed facing in the same direction as their seat. Except for one woman.

"Oi! Woman three rows down in the white T-shirt! Yes, I'm well aware that I'm pretty. But please stop staring because I'm not the on board entertainment."

I wish.