I always thought that UK Gold was about the best TV could get. Hi-De-Hi all afternoon on a Sunday. It was like reliving my childhood. Hi-De-Hi was always the highlight of my week. I adored Su Pollard, and even now, my glasses still look like the aftermath of an unfortunate collision between Su and Harry Potter. This, combined with my complete lack of intellect, is the reason why I'm never seen reading in public. Though the glasses did inspire me and a mate to write some rather dubious sketches involving Su Potter and Harry Pollard for a gig once. For some reason they all ended up being about various infections affecting female genitalia. Who said I'm not clever, witty and deep?
I've reached a point now where I realise that TV could get better than endless Hi-De-Hi... we now have UKG2 on our screens. Many hours of Room 101 a week. Admittedly, it's only 2 different episodes, but if you miss it, you can catch it three times in the same night. And who wouldn't want to see Paul Merton and Johnny Vegas dancing in flashing novelty boxer shorts at 9pm, 11pm and 1am?
This has all got me thinking about what I would put in Room 101 if I was ever graced with the opportunity. The following is a rough list of things I would like to see banished:
* Bath sponges/foam in general - Is there a more horrible texture on the planet? I was once at a swimming competition in Germany. I, at 19, was the oldest member of the team, and the youngest was about 11. Our club colours were blue and yellow, and a local car dealership who had the same colour scheme donated some of those big foam fingers for our excursion. I don't know why. I let it slip in front of a couple of kids that I hated the feel of foam, and spent the rest of the weekend being chased around poolside by children brandishing oversized bath sponges. Fortunately there was no slapstick moment of them chasing me into the pool.
* Mushrooms - they are vile, evil and the food of the devil. No other justification is needed.
* Competitive karaoke singers - Don't get me wrong, I enjoy 'performing' an out-of-tune rendition of I Will Survive as much as the next person. Which is precisely why I hate people who take it too seriously. At university the weekly karaoke in the students union was dominated by people who thought they were on Pop Idol, and were there for only one reason - to be the best singer and win the crate of lager. Of course, very few students would pass the up the chance for a free crate of lager, but the competition was unbelievable. It put me and my group of drunken friends to shame as we wailed our way through Say What You Want on a regular basis (oh try as I may, I will never be a match for the amazing Sharleen) with the true meaning of karaoke in our spinning minds - making a drunken twat of yourself and having a laugh.
* Wooden lolly sticks - strangely this has nothing to do with bad memories of GP's inserting them into random orifices, and is for similar reasons to bath sponges. I don't like the way they feel. Though I never had small children trying to attack me with one.
* Infomercials - purely because of the complete and utter misnomer. Beginning with the prefix "info" would imply there was something informative. According to Dictionary.com, "info" does not mean "badly acted and goes on for half an hour". And why do you need ad's to be that drawn out when there are so many of such high quality of normal length? Today I actually saw "Get the bible collection today! Order Jesus at the special offer price of £9.99, and get Jacob, absolutely free!" in the middle of Garfield and Friends which made me laugh solidly for about 20 minutes.
* Mornings - Just because I can't function. I can never get to sleep at night, and I can never wake up in the morning. If the day started about 1pm, life would be so easy. I've never been able to do mornings. Even as a child I had to get mother to come and wake me up, otherwise I'd never be able to see Care Bears on at 7am on a Sunday morning. Why do we need mornings anyway? And think how many peoples lives would be enriched... all those people with SAD wouldn't have to get up before the sun if we were all expected to get up at 1pm. That is how the world should work. Yes. Mornings should be banished and we should just have afternoons, evenings and night. Night finishing at about midday (which would need, of course to be renamed).
At this point, Paul Merton would introduce an hilarious video clip of someone being murdered with a big foam finger, or an activity on Blue Peter going horribly wrong, and involving more lolly sticks than one would think ever needed to be made.