Ladies, gentlemen, everyone who identifies as being somewhere inbetween...

I've come here to day to talk to you about Jesus. To share with you a vision I saw on Wednesday. It was a truly remarkable sight, and image that will stay with me for the rest of my life...

... a stained glass window in a church with Jesus with a St. George's Flag for a halo.

Because, he is of course, one of the most famous Englishmen to of ever lived. And as for his newly designed patriotic clobber... well, I don't know if it's true, but I heard that David Baddiel and Frank Skinner are having him on that football show of theirs as a guest this summer, something about blessing David Beckham.

I, being a raging Atheist should probably explain what I was doing in a church - I was in a meeting in the conference centre on the top floor. It still had stained glass windows and overlooked the churchy bit proper.

I had no idea religious iconography was quite so, um... rude.

There was the big window at the top, with the picture of Jesus with his traditional headwear, and underneath him were 5 more windows. Presumably Jesus was supposed to be looking down on the people in these windows... but if I tell you that Jesus was accompanied by the caption "Come unto me, for I will give" it might give you some idea as to the content of these other windows.

There was the window containing the picture of the girl in the grass skirt and skimpy top. Just like they used to dress in biblical times.

Then there was the, well, the Geisha. The only one of the other 5 windows I could see was possibly the most entertaining of them all. She was dressed as a Swiss maid (lace up outfit. Nice.) As if that wasn't suggestive enough, she had Big Ben above her head (now, can we say "Phallus"?) and, best of all... passing through her... central section... was a steam train. Yup. In proper Carry On sex euphemism style.

Apparently the different windows were all supposed to signfy different continents. Yup. Doesn't take much imagination to understand which global industry the window designer took his inspiration from, does it?

I should go to church more often.

Sticking pliers in your mouth in an attempt to remove your labret piercing is probably more painful than paying a stranger £25 to ram a needle through your bottom lip in the first place.

Today in Euston station I passed a gentleman in a wheelchair who stared at me and then said to the woman he was with (who looked like she was probably his mother) "I want a Quickie." I'm assuming (hoping) he was referring to my wheelchair.

I also passed a church in Hampstead, which, I have to say... I know I was looking at the sign outside (you know the one, with the name of the minister etc.) as I passed on a bus, but I'm still convinced that sign offered as one of the services available "contact Elvis." These new fangled religions. Pah.

I've just had a man with an indecipherable accent come to my front door trying to sell me a yellow felt-tip pen to "Help disabled adults..."

I should've retailiated with an offer of one of those endless Bic biros. At least I could've sold him a useful pen (unless you wanted to draw a really big Pac Man I suppose), and he could've helped a disabled adult (to afford to get pissed tomorrow night).

I always think I should answer the door in the most melodramatic manner possible... sod the wheelchair, I should just drag myself and lay on the floor behind the front door:

"Um, no, sorry... it's OK. My lesbian lover has just gone out to sell individual staples so social services will let me eat this week. Thanks anyway."

In other news... this time tomorrow I shall be 25. I think I'm now going to go and weep.

Well, well... long time, no post.

This is just a brief note to say to the two people reading "Don't take my blog off your list of websites you visit!", and to reassure recent visitors that I do actually post something sometimes.

Normal posting will resume once I've dealt with the whole "I'm about to be homeless" issue.

In the meantime - if anyone knows of any ground floor bedsits/studios going in the North London area - my Email address is on the right hand side of the page.