On October 9th (yes, I know it's taken me nearly a month to write this up, my health sucks) I took part in UK Uncut's Block the Bridge, Block the Bill protest.
Just like the last UK Uncut thingum I went to; I did a few funnies. Only this time the fab @miggiuk filmed it:
I apologise for saying "erm" and "you know" quite so much. You have to remember it's more than 4 years since I was forced to give up comedy due to illness so I'm rather unrehearsed these days. Miggiuk filmed all the comedy and put it on YouTube so after my ums and ahs go watch some other people who are properly funny as a palate cleanser for the soul.
There's a transcript below the jump. I'm afraid I don't have the techno know-how to turn that into synchronised subtitles on the video itself so if anyone does then please let me know.
♫ = National Express by The Divine Comedy
Chris: ... We’re having a good time. In the meantime let’s bring Lisa Egan on. Oh an absolutely fantastic comic you’re gonna love her. Can we get some applause from this side?
Can you do better over there?
That’s how you applaud. Put your hands together for Lisa Egan!
Lisa: How’s this for an ironic juxtaposition?
I would usually start by apologising to anyone that was uh... Oh God, I think I’m in front of a speaker.
Lisa: Uh, please, yeah, because I sound like I’m shouting into a baked bean tin
Lisa: *squeals* Ewwww... Squeaky! Umm...
Several members of the audience: Move the speaker!
Lisa: [Something inaudible then] Hooray!
Lisa: You can hear me now without that awful metal echo. [Feedback returns on “echo”] Oh shit.
Lisa: I’ll just talk. Excuse the high pitched shrill... And then there’s the speaker as well. So I would usually start off by apologising to anyone that’s upset about the fact that they came out to see stand up comedy.
Lisa: But actually given the nature of today’s gig, um, I would like to be thankful for this. Erm, I would like to say “thank you” to the NHS’s wheelchair service for allowing me to be here today.
[Cheers and applause]
Lisa: Because without the NHS’s wheelchair provision I would not have been able to get out of my house.
I should apologise if I’m a bit rusty at this. Er, I used to be a stand-up comic a few years back, um, and then I got sick. I’ve always had my mobility impairment that you can see, um, but until about six years ago I was perfectly healthy and I was free from illness. And now I just spend most of my time laying on the sofa, off my tits on extremely strong painkillers. And, er, you know, just vivid hallucinations, and I’m actually wondering if – right now – I am on my sofa, off my tits...
Lisa: ... On extremely strong painkillers. This might be slightly more intimidating than the time I thought I was being chased around Kings Cross station by an angry kangaroo.
Lisa: Um, er, I take a lot of medication, erm, for which I’m also grateful for the NHS for. Er, you know, on a good day I take about 15 different drugs and on a bad day I take many, many, more. This is honestly true; this absolutely happened: Facebook suggested my pharmacist as a person I may know.
Lisa: [chuckles] Um, er, I went to see my GP on Wednesday because I’m having a bit of a situation where there are drugs I should be taking, drugs the NHS will pay for, and then there’s me stuck in the middle. But, um, my doctor said... Oh, and this is before the cuts kick in that I can’t have the tablets that I need. And, er, my GP said “OK, while you’re here I wanna do an asthma review.” Presumably to check I still had it, I dunno.
Lisa: But, er, for those of you that aren’t asthmatic: The way that they measure how good you are at breathing, um, is they make you blow into a tube about the size of this microphone and it’s got numbers down it that gauge how good you’re doing at the breathing thing. So I did the thing and my doctor inputted the numbers into his computer, and he told me that I’m better at blowing than his computer thinks I should be.
Lisa: It’s ironic cos I’m gay.
Lisa: So, yeah: Gay, disabled, female. I have been told on many occasions that it’s a shame I’m not black.
Lisa: Um, er, not so long ago I was at the Royal Free in Hampstead to get a splint for my wrist.
One lone voice in the crowd: Yay!
Lisa: I heard some “yay”s like... [microphone cuts out] Oh.
Cyclist powering the sound system: Sorry!
[One person laughs]
Lisa (shouting cos the mic has no power): I heard some “yay”s. Does someone work there? Or is someone, like me, a regular there? Or was I just hallucinating the “yay”s?
Lisa (using mic again): OK, we’ll take that as a “too many painkillers Lisa.” So, um, anyway: I was at the Royal Free getting a splint for my wrist and I noticed while I was there that there was a sign saying “community gynaecology this way.”
Lisa: I don’t want my gynaecologic experiences to be a community based event.
Lisa: You know, is this a portent of things to come with the NHS? You know... “Well we can’t let you see a doctor but we could offer you a consultation with the local WI.”
Lisa: Um, so, like I said: I used to be a stand up comic but now I’m just a professional poorly person. So I have to live on disability benefits... You know; the ones that are being cut. Um [stutters] it was a few years ago, erm I think it was 2008, The Observer sex survey found that 70% - that’s seven zero – 70% of people would never shag a cripple. Now this government with their cuts to disability benefits are obviously trying to do something about this. Because with the cuts so targeted at us they’re just fucking us all.
[Laughter and applause]
Lisa: As you can see I’ve recently been to SpecSavers: And the only reason I could afford to do this was because living on benefits I get subsidised NHS eye care; for now anyway. Um, but, er, it was a day of, you know, it was quite a traumatic experience actually because she told me that I have not just one but two visual defects that require correction by glasses. Firstly I have a condition called “hyperopia” which is just a fancy word for long-sighted. But when she told me I wondered why she was giving me glasses and not Ritalin eye drops.
Lisa: That went down about as well as my last girlfriend. Brilliant.
Lisa: And the other visual defect that I have is called “astigmatism”; it means my eyeballs are rugby ball-shaped. Um, but I’d not heard the word before and so when she told me my immediate reaction was “oh God! My hands and feet are going to bleed every Easter!”
Lisa: Which is the last thing I need with the NHS hanging on a knife edge. But I think I would probably be OK because I am an atheist; and the reason for that is because I’m disabled, uh, because I’ve heard that there’s a stairway to heaven.
Lisa: Thank you so much. I was telling the truth: I haven’t been able to do this for years because of my health so I’m just really happy that you’ve laughed. It’s so good to see so many people out today to defend the NHS that I depend on. So thank you so much.
[Cheers and applause]
Chris: Lisa Egan ladies and gentlemen!