30 May 2004

Ladies, gentlemen, everyone who identifies as being somewhere inbetween...

I've come here to day to talk to you about Jesus. To share with you a vision I saw on Wednesday. It was a truly remarkable sight, and image that will stay with me for the rest of my life...

... a stained glass window in a church with Jesus with a St. George's Flag for a halo.

Because, he is of course, one of the most famous Englishmen to of ever lived. And as for his newly designed patriotic clobber... well, I don't know if it's true, but I heard that David Baddiel and Frank Skinner are having him on that football show of theirs as a guest this summer, something about blessing David Beckham.

I, being a raging Atheist should probably explain what I was doing in a church - I was in a meeting in the conference centre on the top floor. It still had stained glass windows and overlooked the churchy bit proper.

I had no idea religious iconography was quite so, um... rude.

There was the big window at the top, with the picture of Jesus with his traditional headwear, and underneath him were 5 more windows. Presumably Jesus was supposed to be looking down on the people in these windows... but if I tell you that Jesus was accompanied by the caption "Come unto me, for I will give" it might give you some idea as to the content of these other windows.

There was the window containing the picture of the girl in the grass skirt and skimpy top. Just like they used to dress in biblical times.

Then there was the, well, the Geisha. The only one of the other 5 windows I could see was possibly the most entertaining of them all. She was dressed as a Swiss maid (lace up outfit. Nice.) As if that wasn't suggestive enough, she had Big Ben above her head (now, can we say "Phallus"?) and, best of all... passing through her... central section... was a steam train. Yup. In proper Carry On sex euphemism style.

Apparently the different windows were all supposed to signfy different continents. Yup. Doesn't take much imagination to understand which global industry the window designer took his inspiration from, does it?

I should go to church more often.

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